What is up with Joaquin?

I am getting very annoyed with Joaquin Phoenix. As you may know, he claims to have given up acting to pursue a career as a gangsta rapper. He's also given up personal hygiene and currently sports a god-awful lumberjack beard. Some people speculate that Joaquin's antics are all part of an elaborate hoax, à la Borat, but Joaquin vehemently denies those claims. Last night he appeared on David Letterman's show and behaved like a crazy person. My guess is that this isn't a hoax at all and that Joaquin is actually a major drug addict. I saw him on Letterman several years back (before his crazy beard days), and he behaved erratically then, too, like he was high on something. It's a real shame, because he is a talented actor. I hope he pulls himself together.

What is up with the crazy octuplet mother who's obviously trying to emulate Angelina Jolie? The woman denies it, but it's pretty obvious: She's breeding like crazy and is rumored to have had lip injections in order to look more like Angie. What a freak! People like that should not be allowed to procreate.

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are engaged. Ha ha ha! Needless to say, I don't think their relationship will last very long. Actually, I think they only have a 50% chance of making it to the altar.

Here's another doomed celebrity couple that's relatively new: Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love. Believe it or not, they are rumored to be dating each other. Both of them have some talent, yet both of them are freaks, so I don't think they have a future together. It will be interesting to watch how this plays out in the tabloids, though.

Nicollette Sheridan is leaving her role of Edie Britt on "Desperate Housewives" at the end of the season. I love to hate Edie, but I can't really blame Nicollette for leaving. She never gets as much camera time as the other women, which is ridiculous. I'd much rather watch Nicollette than the annoying Terri Hatcher.

Prince Harry is being forced to undergo sensitivity training due to several recent comments he made that were perceived as racist. Harry's army bosses are the people who ordered that the prince attend the training. I think this is absolutely hilarious. I don't think Harry is racist; I just think he needs to learn to keep his mouth shut.

Finally, I need to comment on the video of Salma Hayek breastfeeding a random baby that was NOT her own during a trip to Sierra Leone. I know that breast milk is good for babies, blah blah blah, but the fact is, what Salma did really grossed me out. Couldn't she have at least pumped?