LOSTBLOG -- "The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham"

John Locke: If it's not real, then what are you doing here, Jack? Why did you come back? Why do you find it so hard to believe?

John Locke: It's never been easy!

-- "Orientation," episode 2x03

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I, on the other hand, have always found it easy to believe -- in John Locke. The show's two-part pilot was exciting, and the third episode, "Tabula Rasa," introduced the intriguing notion of the flashbacks, but "Lost" had me in its fourth episode, "Walkabout," in which we learn that Locke was a paraplegic before Oceanic 815 crashed. Jaters and Skaters be damned, the human story at the center of "Lost" -- and what will hopefully, ultimately, be the show's true tale of redemption -- belongs to John. He has endured so much, and we've endured it with him.

And it all became too much to bear Wednesday night.

When John wrapped that extension cord around his neck, I don't believe he was sacrificing himself for the island, or killing himself to fulfill some destiny. I believe John had, at last, given up. And who can blame him? Everyone he knew and loved had either died, been doomed to die on a magical disappearing island, or completely abandoned any sliver of faith they ever had in him.

And then who stops John from killing himself? A man who John believed was the one person who truly understood him. John has always had a kinship with Benjamin Linus, one that was able to overcome the fact that Ben shot him and left him for dead in Season 3. Wednesday, in a truly heartbreaking moment, John breaks down before a groveling Benjamin, searching for a renewed purpose, a purpose that Benjamin seems able to provide.

And then Benjamin kills him.

I should have seen it coming, I suppose. But honestly, it never occurred to me that John's death was Ben's doing. Why would Ben want to bring the Oceanic Six and John's body back to the island if he killed him? (There's enough evidence to suggest a number of reasons, in retrospect.)

"Lost" has shocked me, excited me and left me giddy. But it never landed a gut-punch like it did tonight. Though it may prove to ultimately be John's path to redemption, in the moment, Ben's betrayal of John was absolutely staggering. Those who have always believed Ben to be a truly evil character may not have been surprised, but I was crushed. Like John and countless others, I have been seduced by Benjamin's trickery. I truly believed Ben has always been in the right -- it was his island, he was defending it. But now ... now, I'm just not sure.

It bothers me, how personally invested I am in a goddamn television show. But that's why we love it, isn't it? The haters are too busy scoffing at its implausibility to realize that you don't watch "Lost" for smoke monsters and time warps. You watch it for John Locke. And Benjamin Linus. And Hugo Reyes. And Charlie Pace. And you hope that these people, these friends, find a purpose, and peace.

Today, more than ever, I can confidently say that "Lost" is the best TV show I've ever seen.

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Best scene: That's pretty obvious, isn't it?

Best line: John: "I was angry. I was obsessed." / Kate: "Look how far you've come."

Best performance: I don't watch a whole lot of scripted television, I'll admit that. But if Terry O'Quinn isn't accepting the Emmy for best supporting actor in a drama series next fall, there is no justice in this unforgiving world. (Was that a little ... dramatic?) And O'Quinn was like Air Jordan in this episode -- he made everyone around him better. Matthew Fox's one scene here was his best in a good long while, and Michael Emerson was of course tremendous in the climax.