A plea to the suburban moviegoer

Please do just the tiniest bit of research before you fork over your money at the box office. Please, don't take your young children to see R-rated films. Please, don't take them to see "Watchmen." And if you do, don't do what the parents at Friday's 9:15 p.m. screening at the AMC 30 South Barrington did.

My sister, who came with me to the movie, summed it up best on her Facebook page:

"Sean's sister doesn't understand people. They bring kids to see Watchmen and sit through incredibly graphic violence, but they walk out during a sex scene."

I'm going to assume that the parents in question saw the trailers for "Watchmen" and figured it must be a PG-13 superhero romp a la "X-Men" -- never mind the fact that every commercial for it clearly displays the film's R rating. But you'd think they would have realized their mistake long before Dan Dreiberg (Patrick Wilson) and Laurie Jupiter (Malin Akerman) consummate their relationship in graphic detail.

Until that scene, which is both funny and strangely endearing, we've seen a man take a meat cleaver to the skull (repeatedly), dogs feeding on the remains of a young girl, soldiers disintegrated to bits, two men burned to death (one with a flamethrower, one with boiling grease), the point-blank shooting of a pregnant woman, and an attempted rape so brutal that I had to look away.

But none of those things prompted the family's exit. No, instead it was one of "Watchmen's" few scenes of genuine humanity, as two characters who obviously love each other make the implicit explicit. So once again, kids learn that violence is cooooool, and sex is baaaaaad.

It's an old question, but it's worth asking every time we get a chance: Why do Americans embrace violence but shun sexuality? Why do we continue to demonize something so instinctual, so ... human?

At least at Friday's screening I didn't have to hear chuckling every single time Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup) appeared in the buff, which is often. When I saw the film opening night, I wanted to scream at the people sitting around me: "Grow up!" For the most part, no one chuckles uneasily when women appear nude on screen, but as soon as a man drops trou, it's a riot. ("Forgetting Sarah Marshall" depended on Jason Segel's little fella for its biggest laugh, for example.) Why is everyone so nervous about this?

It's incidents and nagging questions like these that make going to the movie theater more and more of a chore. (Well, that, and the constant talking and texting.) Consider my other sister's response to the aforementioned Facebook post: "That's part of the reason I don't wanna see Watchmen. I knew that people would ... bring their kids to it, and then as per usual, I would become extremely angry at the movie theater...."

Please, people. Have some common sense. Shouldn't you want to know what you're getting into before shelling out $75 for a night at the movie theater?

• • •

In case you're wondering:

Yes, I loved "Watchmen," but I have the advantage of having read the book a few months ago. I cannot vouch for how well it will play for newbies, although Roger Ebert didn't seem to have trouble.

The film's one glaring problem is an inherent byproduct of its roots as a 12-part comic book -- it is episodic in nature, and perhaps will play better in a longer, more segmented form. Some of the transitions are jarring and disjointed, and I could see how that could pose a problem to the uninitiated. I wonder if director Zack Snyder considered presenting the film in 12 "chapters" to help compartmentalize the film for the viewer; perhaps the director's cut coming this summer will address this problem.

But aside from that, I was in awe for much of the film's 163-minute running time, particularly when Dr. Manhattan was on screen. The segment that tells his backstory (Chapter 4 in the book) is thrilling in its execution and takes on a hypnotic quality, perhaps because of the Philip Glass music from "Koyaanisqatsi" that Snyder chose to use there.

Snyder's musical choices throughout the film have been a major point of contention, but I think he (mostly) pulls it off. Many of the songs used were quoted in the book, and in the film they work within the story's alternate history. In the "Watchmen" universe, "Apocalypse Now" was never made because we won Vietnam; so Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" now plays as Dr. Manhattan vaporizes the Viet Cong en route to America's victory. Not all of the choices work -- while I don't mind the use of "Sound of Silence" during the Comedian's funeral, I don't really see how that scene is analogous to anything in "The Graduate."

One last thing: Jackie Earle Haley, Billy Crudup and Patrick Wilson are magnificent in the film. I found their final scene together to be surprisingly affecting. Between this and "Little Children," Haley (who plays de facto main character Rorschach) has staged one of the most impressive cinematic comebacks since John Travolta in the mid-'90s. Crudup, who I personally find to be a rather loathsome person in real life, perfectly captured Manhattan's detachment from humanity. And Wilson, who also starred in "Little Children," rises higher on my list of favorite actors every time I see him. Maybe these three should work together all the time ...