Are you suffering from "Twilight" fever?

Screw swine flu...vampires are responsible for the real epidemic going around here. Are you one of the victims?

I admit it...I am a "Twilight" junkie. I think the books are horribly written, but I love all things vampire and am completely in love with Stephenie Meyer's story. I also love that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are apparently a real-life item. And yes, before you ask, I am a hardcore member of Team Edward. (As for you Team Jacob people, I cannot even begin to understand how your minds work!)

Part of the fun of the "Twilight" craze is seeing all the ridiculous book/movie merchandise that is available for purchase. You can buy "Twilight" clothes, posters, and even candy. My two favorite items so far are the action figure that makes Bella look like a transvestite and "Twilight" perfume, which comes in an apple-shaped bottle totally ripped off from Nina Ricci and that actually smells like rotten apples.

Today I read about two new "Twilight" products that are coming soon to a store shelf near you. The first product is a line of "Twilight" greeting cards available at Hallmark. I'm sure the cards will sell like hotcakes, but the messages in them will probably be terrible. They will either contain Stephenie Meyer's god-awful dialogue ("You are exactly my brand of heroin,") or really lame vampire-themed analogies ("I love you as much as I love kicking back a keg of blood on a cold and cloudy day," etc.).

The other new product is...drumroll..."Twilight" Barbie! Bella Barbie and Edward Ken can soon be yours for a mere $25 each. So far I haven't heard anything about additional "Twilight" characters being made into dolls...TAKE THAT, Team Jacob!